hi

hello, it’s me. how are you? i heard from your good friend the other day, the one who always believed in you and me. a save the date was all he sent. i feel so much joy for him, and i can’t wait to share such a beautiful day with him and his.

will it be okay with you if i’m there? i already bought my plane ticket, so i suppose i’m asking for forgiveness. i have as much of a right to be at his wedding as you do, and i hope this is a day we can share in happiness.

i never heard from you after thanksgiving, and a lot of me wanted you to reach out. i reached out so many times, so many times, only to hear the truth from you. why is it that the truth hides shrouded in self-doubt sometimes? i don’t want to reach out anymore, i don’t want to want to be wanted anymore.

someone else wants me. someone else tells me i’m worth it, beautiful, absolutely amazing, better than i ever thought i was when i was younger, better than i ever thought i could be basking in the socal sunshine.

maybe you’ve moved on. i mostly have, but there’s still a part of me that wonders. there’s a lot of me that wants to blow you out of the water, absolutely blow you away with the amazing woman i’ve become since i walked away from you.

i want to show you just how strong, lithe, athletic, independent, loved i can be when i’m not clouded, suffocated by that sunshine. i want you to know what you’re missing. that i got up, i moved away, i moved up, i moved on.

and i did. i really did. i’m a completely different person now. more giving, more compassionate, more self-loving, more loving than ever before. i got my own place, my own space in which to thrive. i got my foot in the door, and i’m blowing it wide open.

you had your chance. i opened the door for you so many times. i shut the door on myself so many times to catch the door for you. to take the fall for you. to take the blame from you. to take away the pain of you.

no more. no more. i’ve moved on. though i want so badly to show you all that i am, all that you thought i never could be, the future you fucked up, i won’t. i’ll just keep working on me. i’ll keep thriving. i’ll keep growing. just for me.